feeling stuck in depression

October 6, 2012 | 28 Comments

An east Vancouver sunset with crows flying

I’m stuck. Being stuck is making me feel stuck, which is sticking me.

I’m drained of energy to participate in anything that interests or excites me. I started the school year waking up at 5am with no real focus for how I want to spend those early hours and ended up wasting them, rushing to eat, wash, dress and leave for work as if I’d overslept. I’ve since started oversleeping. I fuddle through my day and arrive home from work in a zombie state. (Steve really likes Zombies, so this works in my favour.)

I don’t remember how people work fulltime and still manage to write, keep the toilet vomit-ready, patiently and attentively help with homework, grocery shop, meal plan, submit medical receipts, transfer pensions, make and maintain friendships, be a present partner, eat well, and exercise often (or at all).

My instagram, facebook and twitter feeds are full of people managing. Flourishing. Four months ago I was one of them.

What changed?

I’ve added writing, eating well and exercise to my wish lists? Those are awesome time-suckers. I’m still writing, but I’ve stopped exercising and anxiety clouds have formed around writing. When two days pass and I’ve nothing new to show, failure scratches at my scalp. Whispers, why bother, dummy?

I stopped taking my antidepressants mid-July and had good intentions to resume with the start of school. I got busy feeling sorry for myself and it never happened.

Yes, I know. I am unable to explain why. I took one of my last four pills this morning and it’s on my radar to get more this weekend.

So, I guess I’m depressed. Again. My stuck is fully self-inflicted. Knowing this has me reflexively pulling in more handfulls of sand, dirt and shame to bury myself more.

I biked to school three times a week in my first two weeks. I avoid looking at my bike these days as I pass it on my way to the car. Steve filling up my tires after using that as excuse brought on shallow breathing.

I’ve been prostrate on the couch this sunny, fall day, thinking if I go for a walk I’ll feel better. Instead of moving I made lists of the ways I’ve failed my body and life.

The only thing I’ve managed to do since school started is stick with gluten free.

We’re talking about going out for supper tonight and we’ve booked a hotel in Seattle tomorrow and I’m wondering how I’m supposed to fucking get dressed, make my hair cooperate and care. I feel lumpy and uninteresting. Being part of this world is too hard today and possibly tomorrow, so wake me up when the antidepressants have kicked back in and I’ve got an exercise schedule going and I don’t hate the way I breathe.

Time-management skills is going on my Amazon Christmas wish list.

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Join the conversation

  • Kim

    Oh. OW. I have been that mean to myself. Now I know how my friends would feel when I’d cut myself down with brutal, contemptuous and belittling comments.

    Shannon, your dark side has a BIG voice – one that talks louder than any other hesitant, disbelieving positive affirmation you could throw at it.

    My dark side would say things like, “who do you think you are?” and “you can’t do anything right” and way WORSE.

    You deserve better from and for yourself. I know its possible now to heal those old bullshit lies! I TRULY believe you deserve deep, deep soul healing. Fuck everyone else, Shann. You need to take your personal power back, and reclaim your mental health so you can live ALL your beautiful dreams…

    Sending SOOOOOO much love…
    Xoxoxo

    • Shannon

      Thanks, Kimmie. What’s that book you use to keep track of your goals and stuff? Maybe I need something like this?

      It’s true about my dark side having a big voice. I’d like to squish it good.

      Being loved by you helps. xo

  • Jocelyn

    I want to yell “SHANNON I THINK YOU’RE SO AWESOME SHUT UP THOSE OTHERS ARE FAKING IT AND WHO CARES WHAT THEY DO” but I won’t. Except I just did. Hi? You’re so awesome. Shut up. Get on dem happy pills.

    xoxoxo Joce

    • Shannon

      Oh Jocelyn, you’re lovely. Thanks for being in my cheering section. I don’t believe everyone is faking it–AND THAT’S OKAY. I don’t want to be the kind of person who sucks life from other people’s misery. I want to be the kind of person who has enough strength and courage to plunge ahead even when it’s really fucking hard.

      • Jocelyn

        You’re so right. It’s okay (KINDA.) and, yeah, fucking hard. A long time ago I just decided that ‘those people’ (who are lovely I do not hate) are oranges to my apple. Or oranges to my kumquat. xo

        • Shannon

          We need the success stories to inspire us. I’m glad not everyone is struggling–at least not all at once. :)

  • http://bellejarblog.wordpress.com Annabelle

    Oh man, this is so tough. I get feeling that your “stuck” is self-inflicted (especially because that’s the message that society sends to you), but keep in mind that depression is working against your desires to get better and be totally functional. So it’s not a case of you just not taking your pill; there’s a whole lot of stuff working against you.

    Also I just wanted to say: I’ve been there. I mean, not exactly there, but in a similar place, if that makes sense.

    • Shannon

      I’m thankful for your voice in my life. I wish you could see my face when I say this. I really mean it.

  • http://www.sarakeepsdancing.blogspot.ca Sara

    We often find ourselves in ruts and it’s hard to get out. I

  • Kim Z

    Try it out on a day with four kids, a needy sick partner who can’t make a decision, a dog who doesn’t get enough love and really does give me puppy dig eyes everyday and he’s 12, oh and an ex who won’t fuck off! That should make you feel better:) maybe just a little…

    • Shannon

      Someone always has it worse, I get that. I’m sorry things are hard for you, too, Kim. You handle it with finesse. :)

  • http://www.sarakeepsdancing.blogspot.ca Sara

    …sorry. I was trying to comment from the car in the Tim Horton’s drive thru!

    I identify with so much of what you have written here. I struggle with comparing myself to others and I”m trying to stop. Life has been teaching me lessons that things aren’t always as they seem. All the people that ‘have it together’ on twitter, Instagram… I would bet THEY DON’T!

    I think so many of us much more in common that we realize.

    • Shannon

      Tim’s. Maybe THAT’S what I need. It’s been a while.

      Thanks for your kindness. I’m going to get outside today and remind myself there’s life outside my head. I’m confident this is going to help.

  • http://www.bearandlionmama.com/ mama lola

    i hear so much of myself in what you just posted.
    the first step is the hardest, hang in there, blah, blah, cliches, yes, but sometimes they’re ok to repeat. right?
    keep writing!

    • Shannon

      Clichés are that for a reason. Totally okay to repeat. Thanks for the encouragement. And I will keep writing; it’s my therapy.

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