i love you from my toes

October 12, 2012 | 94 Comments

Happier Shannon Fisher

Thanks everyone. For the phone/skype calls and the emails and tweets and the text messages and the comments and the warm thoughts and the hugs.

I didn’t respond to any of the comments, because I don’t really know what to say and there is a lot of feeling silly swirling about, but I promise I read every last one and wrapped myself in your kindness. The goodness of you and the goodness and having you on Team Shannon is not lost on me.

I’m going to see my doctor tomorrow. I’ve been back on my antidepressants for a week. I’ve been seeing therapists since I was 19, so I’m pretty tired of that whole scene, but I have some ideas about where to go next and I’m hopeful it’s going to be the kick in the brain I need.

I went for a walk yesterday. I made myself because Steve suggested it. I heard, “Be nice to yourself; climb Everest today!” I thought about it for six hours, sat staring at my shoes for a while, finally pushed the off button on my brain, and willed my body to go through the motions of leaving the house.

I had just watched this video, so I took some time to take in all of the nuances of the day and the changing leaves and the grey sky. The skyline here is full of mountains, open sea, mist, and miles of communities filled with vibrant-coloured trees. Vancouver feels like something impossibly amazing I might wake up from. I’m glad I haven’t. This is my home and I think it always has been in some way. I was born to live here. Yesterday I let the goodness of what my eyes could see wash over me and fill me with hope and love.

I’m thankful for this life and I want to be worthy of it. I want to live it well. This morning that still feels almost impossible because I’m still stuck, but I’m a I little less stuck than I was yesterday.

I love you.

From my toes.

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