“I have been holding that in. All. Night!”
With relief, I released a few of my own and, in concert, we propelled ourselves toward the car.
I can’t remember ever holding back around Steve. We pee with the door open. I don’t like being shut in small spaces. And often it’s urgent enough that stopping to close the door could be the thing that means I don’t make it to the toilet.
The problem (because there’s only one) with leaving the door open, is that sometimes a poo surprises me mid-pee. Public poo plop-plop-plopping is out of my comfort zone, so it becomes obvious that I’m pooing because I suddenly shut the door. And that click of the door is like a formal announcement to my family: “POOPIN’!”
I don’t have the kind of bowels you can set your watch to. I’m always surprised to go in for a pee and find out there’s bigger business to take care of.
Early in our marriage, Steve and I lived in a house with a big bathroom. We could easily be in there together doing bathroom things without shuffling to trade spaces or spitting on someone’s head.
Once, when we were brushing our teeth together, I finished up and sat down to pee. Steve and I began to chat. He spit out the last of his toothpaste and turned to face me and finish his story while I listened. I was so focused on his words, I failed to notice a surprise poo sneak up.
So there we are, busy making intense eye contact when I involuntarily make The Push Face.
You know—The Push Face: Holding your breath with a clenched jaw from the concentration it takes to contract your stomach muscles, while your head pulsates from the tension in your neck. Ya. That.
I made The Push Face while Steve was talking… TO MY PUSH FACE.
I had crossed the sacred barrier of Poodom. I mean, you know people poo, but you don’t ever want to see them poo. I can barely watch my dog take a dump, and there I was taking a shit in front of my husband.
Before I had time to hope he hadn’t noticed, I heard him ask, “Are you pooing? Did you just PUSH OUT A POO WITH ME IN THE ROOM?”
He doesn’t talk to me while I pee anymore.
Come on over and like my Truthfully Facebook page where there are no push faces.